Right... I don't know where does this post belong, but It's related with anxiety so I'm posting it here.
I think this is a rant... Sort of. I mean, I'm mad at myself.
If it's inappropriate, I apologise. I don't want to spam this board, I just really wanted to takes this off my chest.
I'm mad disgusted and in general feel like shit today. You know that feeling when you pussy out of approaching...
I mean, it's nothing special... Not the first time I'm feeling like that and most of guys here felt like it too. It's just that I haven't felt this disgust in a while. Though to be honest, I have lived pretty cushy life for the past 6 months when it comes to approaching.
Don't get me wrong. Cushy not because it's easy for me and I'm slaying, but because I isolated myself and worked on money. So, I had good times with anxiety because I did not put myself in situations where that would be an issue.
Further, more what fucks with my head even more is that for the past 2 weeks or so I started loosing my concentration and want for working on money and my desire and lust for pussy... More specifically intimacy with a women... Skyrocketed and I can't keep these thoughts in control. My number one fantasy became NOT to fuck that nice bubble ass jogging on a treadmill, but to take a full hand of her hair and fill my nostrils with her scent...
These are normal urges, I get that. I'm a man and I want a women. Cool.
What kills me though is that I can't get one. It's a feel, you know, a state of mind... That feel of loserdom that builds up the stress and...
Today I fucking lost it.
For the past few weeks my want for a woman grew, but honestly, I also felt like my confidence snd social ability grew too.
I was chatting up every female customer at work and for the first time I struck a conversation with a chick at the gym. Some, generic gym small talk...but whatever.
I felt good. It was like, I'm not concentrating on this right now, but I am still making some baby steps every day towards that "social freedom".
Maybe I'm just lying to myself... Fuck knows.
Anyways, I lost it today.
There's this chick that works in the gym that I struck a conversation a few weeks ago. Actually, she approach me to use a squat rack, but I did have some more small talk afterwards with her. And then I had some small talk with her a different day... Anyway, point is. Today I chickened out to approach her and have a conversation. And what kills me more, is that it's not even a cold approach and I still pussied out.
Fuck...
Sure, I can come up with excuses why that happened: I feel stressed from life in general, she's anxious (I can see that much) and that threw me off... Whatever.
That's one more thing. I can see that she finds me attractive and wants me to approach her... Fuck... Knowing this makes it more difficult on my psyche. She keeps creeping at me and when I look her in the eye she reverts the gaze etc. Sure some of it cold be in my head, but hey... I rather think that she's 120% into me than convince myself that there's a chance she's not.
Anyways. I did not approach her today. And that pushed me to this state I'm now. I got back home from gym and I felt so fucking disgusted, like a loser, I fucking broke down and cried.
No, in before there comes "you have a oneitus", I don't. I didn't cry because I couldn't approach HER, but that I couldn't approach. I cried that I pussied out from something I was sure I will do. I cried because I let my real inner loser win, I let myself down.
Now, I don't want pity or "you go girl" chants... Or maybe I do, I don't know... I guess some reassurance would help.
I do know what I need to do. I need to start AA program. That's a fact. I need to put effort into this and I will fix myself... But I'm scared.
I'm not scared to start AA program...though yeah, I do have anxiety about that, but that's a good/normal anxiety. Anxiety of starting something difficult, but eventually rewarding.
No, I'm scared to start a log on here. Because, that means that I have to do it, I have to stick with it. And especially it's scary because I already worked on AA and I quit.
The idea of quitting again terrifies me. I don't want to quit again, but I'm not feeling strong enough to know that I will go through with it. I guess that's the fear of failure or something.
Fuck... I feel so stressed. I don't know what I want more now, to sleep or to cry some more.
And I feel even more pathetic that I'm 27 and I'm crying like a bitch.
One more thing that makes me uneasy is that, I promised myself that this time I will not stop until I'm making bank. That this time I will achieve my money goals before anything else... But my focus is slipping. I don't want to betray me, but I do want to fix myself...
Anyways... I would love that someone would tell me what to do, even though I know it's my decision. "Do what YOU want to do" that's the motto here... But... I don't know what I want.
And what pisses me off is,that I keep jumping between these two things... Money, bitches, money, bitches...and I can't commit. And I make minimal progress.
That's what you get growing without a father, I guess...
Dad: Do this and don't stop until you are done. Got it!
Me: YES, sir!
Fuck... That be so much easier. My indecisiveness is killing me.
Whatever... I guess that's it. I'm done. I really needed to vent and get this out of me.
Cheers
I think this is a rant... Sort of. I mean, I'm mad at myself.
If it's inappropriate, I apologise. I don't want to spam this board, I just really wanted to takes this off my chest.
I'm mad disgusted and in general feel like shit today. You know that feeling when you pussy out of approaching...
I mean, it's nothing special... Not the first time I'm feeling like that and most of guys here felt like it too. It's just that I haven't felt this disgust in a while. Though to be honest, I have lived pretty cushy life for the past 6 months when it comes to approaching.
Don't get me wrong. Cushy not because it's easy for me and I'm slaying, but because I isolated myself and worked on money. So, I had good times with anxiety because I did not put myself in situations where that would be an issue.
Further, more what fucks with my head even more is that for the past 2 weeks or so I started loosing my concentration and want for working on money and my desire and lust for pussy... More specifically intimacy with a women... Skyrocketed and I can't keep these thoughts in control. My number one fantasy became NOT to fuck that nice bubble ass jogging on a treadmill, but to take a full hand of her hair and fill my nostrils with her scent...
These are normal urges, I get that. I'm a man and I want a women. Cool.
What kills me though is that I can't get one. It's a feel, you know, a state of mind... That feel of loserdom that builds up the stress and...
Today I fucking lost it.
For the past few weeks my want for a woman grew, but honestly, I also felt like my confidence snd social ability grew too.
I was chatting up every female customer at work and for the first time I struck a conversation with a chick at the gym. Some, generic gym small talk...but whatever.
I felt good. It was like, I'm not concentrating on this right now, but I am still making some baby steps every day towards that "social freedom".
Maybe I'm just lying to myself... Fuck knows.
Anyways, I lost it today.
There's this chick that works in the gym that I struck a conversation a few weeks ago. Actually, she approach me to use a squat rack, but I did have some more small talk afterwards with her. And then I had some small talk with her a different day... Anyway, point is. Today I chickened out to approach her and have a conversation. And what kills me more, is that it's not even a cold approach and I still pussied out.
Fuck...
Sure, I can come up with excuses why that happened: I feel stressed from life in general, she's anxious (I can see that much) and that threw me off... Whatever.
That's one more thing. I can see that she finds me attractive and wants me to approach her... Fuck... Knowing this makes it more difficult on my psyche. She keeps creeping at me and when I look her in the eye she reverts the gaze etc. Sure some of it cold be in my head, but hey... I rather think that she's 120% into me than convince myself that there's a chance she's not.
Anyways. I did not approach her today. And that pushed me to this state I'm now. I got back home from gym and I felt so fucking disgusted, like a loser, I fucking broke down and cried.
No, in before there comes "you have a oneitus", I don't. I didn't cry because I couldn't approach HER, but that I couldn't approach. I cried that I pussied out from something I was sure I will do. I cried because I let my real inner loser win, I let myself down.
Now, I don't want pity or "you go girl" chants... Or maybe I do, I don't know... I guess some reassurance would help.
I do know what I need to do. I need to start AA program. That's a fact. I need to put effort into this and I will fix myself... But I'm scared.
I'm not scared to start AA program...though yeah, I do have anxiety about that, but that's a good/normal anxiety. Anxiety of starting something difficult, but eventually rewarding.
No, I'm scared to start a log on here. Because, that means that I have to do it, I have to stick with it. And especially it's scary because I already worked on AA and I quit.
The idea of quitting again terrifies me. I don't want to quit again, but I'm not feeling strong enough to know that I will go through with it. I guess that's the fear of failure or something.
Fuck... I feel so stressed. I don't know what I want more now, to sleep or to cry some more.
And I feel even more pathetic that I'm 27 and I'm crying like a bitch.
One more thing that makes me uneasy is that, I promised myself that this time I will not stop until I'm making bank. That this time I will achieve my money goals before anything else... But my focus is slipping. I don't want to betray me, but I do want to fix myself...
Anyways... I would love that someone would tell me what to do, even though I know it's my decision. "Do what YOU want to do" that's the motto here... But... I don't know what I want.
And what pisses me off is,that I keep jumping between these two things... Money, bitches, money, bitches...and I can't commit. And I make minimal progress.
That's what you get growing without a father, I guess...
Dad: Do this and don't stop until you are done. Got it!
Me: YES, sir!
Fuck... That be so much easier. My indecisiveness is killing me.
Whatever... I guess that's it. I'm done. I really needed to vent and get this out of me.
Cheers