Hi,
Got a few things that are affecting me just now and have been for probably the last 4-5 years. I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting these last couple of weeks and I have decided it's time to take action and address what I think is holding me back from achieving my potential and start living a proper life.
This will probably be a fairly long post, I have taken notes in my phone over the last week regarding things that have came to mind when I have been feeling down. Everything I am laying out in this post is brutally honest. This is my history and my thoughts just now. No exaggerations.
I will be 32 next week. I have recently started up two businesses, one online e-commerce store and the other is with two friends as business partners in the legal environment. I live by myself in an apartment which I own (mortgage) and I drive a very nice car. I have always considered myself stylish and good looking. I have fucked approximately 100-150 different girls.
Now that last sentence may be a bit difficult to believe as you read on further but as I said in first paragraph everything I am saying is the truth. I am on here looking just to talk to like minded people. I am not playing the victim card and I am not looking for any sympathy. I take full responsibility for everything that has happened to me in my life and the position I am in just now.
The reason for me writing this post and introducing myself here is that I want to take action and improve my life. The last five years I have not been myself. I have just being going through the motions with life in general, not having any goals. I have struggled financially over these years living paycheck to paycheck.
Right now I am pretty certain that I am suffering from some sort of depression. I am almost constantly feeling hopeless & severely unmotivated. I am unable to get excited or look forward to anything. As I said above I have two great business opportunities which I think can be successful. Instead of feeling highly motivated and driven to make it work and channel all my energy into these I instead struggle to get out of bed in the morning and procrastinate on doing much of anything. I am sleeping on average 11 hours per day. I have used a sleep tracker to monitor this.
I go to bed around 11.30 each night and set my alarm for 6.00am. I have put a loud alarm clock in my living room so I have to get out of bed and walk to turn it off. This hasn't worked. I just pull the plug and go back to bed and wake up around 10.30am. This has been going on best part of six months. I have tried to make arrangements first thing in morning with people such as gym so I am answerable but I end up just going back to sleep and putting phone on silent to avoid phone calls. This is getting me down as I feel I should be springing up out of bed hungry and going after success with these new business opportunities, instead I open my eyes and feel dread about getting up and going about my day to day tasks and try to sleep for as long as possible. Some times it feels like sleeping is an escape which really concerns me.
My first business is an e-commerce store I am in the process of opening. I worked on this for about a month, got the website designed added some products then just stopped working on it. I have not touched it now for a month. As I type this I don't really know why, I guess in my head the excuses I am making is that I have gotten sidetracked with the other business but that ain't really true as if I was able to get up out of bed when I wanted too I would have more than enough time to work on them both. The second business should be a bit different because I have two business partners so I will be able to force myself to put enough work in to stop them calling me out.
Despite feeling down on just about everything I am confident that this business will be a success and give me the good lifestyle that I have crave. One of the business partners is a successful solicitor who has never failed at anything business wise in the past. He runs his own successful practice and is very good at his job.
Over the last few years I managed to get myself into quite a bit of debt. All my income from my job was going towards bills and I had next to nothing left. This meant my social life took a big hit as I wasn't able to go out drinking with my buddies and going clubbing and getting girls. I kinda got stuck in a rut with this. I finally took the hit and moved back in with my parents for 18 months and rented my apartment out and got rid of some of my debt. I was spending a lot of weekends at home eating junk food when I should have been out with my friends at the club because I had no spare money. This used to make me feel resentful. I really want to improve my social life and get out at the weekend. This is why I should be extremely motivated to make my businesses work.
Regarding girls. Nearly all of my lays have been one night stands. I have always had girls liking me. I do consider myself quite good looking and I always had girls taking an interest in me. I also used to DJ in clubs in my area so would get a lot of girls approaching me and striking up conversations with me. I have always been fairly shy with girls and I know that may sound surprising due to my lay count. My lay count is so high mostly because when I was in my early 20s I was around the dance scene being a DJ and I was doing a lot of X which completely disintegrated my AA and inhibitions. I got laid a lot round about this time. A lot of my lays were unattractive girls 5-6s who I only fucked because I was horny and I knew they would be easy pickings because I was better looking than them. I do have AA and I get intimidated by hotter girls and don't take a chance on them as I am scared of being rejected and embarrassed. I have fucked a few hotter girls of course but that has always came with them approaching me or making interests known through friends etc. I don't think I have ever done one successful cold approach on a hot girl!
I have only had any real feelings for four girls. When I say feelings I mean being open to a relationship with them. One of these four was my girlfriend with I was 18-20 but I wanted the relationship to end as I was cheating on her all the time. This was a wild period in my life with drugs and partying and I didn't want a GF our relationship fizzled out due to my behavior. The other three girls dumped me when we were starting to get close. It's possible that I became needy when I laid my feelings out for them. One of those was 15 months ago which still affects me to this day. She dumped me for another guy which I did not see coming as she seemed head over heels with me then when I put my feelings on the table after four months she dumped me within a week for someone else.
I want to have girls in my life,this is something I need to improve on. I am feeling really lonely just now and I really enjoyed the closeness I had with the girl last year. I had not felt that in a while and we seemed to get on really well. When she dumped me it affected me much more than I could have anticipated. I usually get over it within a month when it happened before but I still feel pain to this day about that one. The last time I felt any excitement was when I was with her and doing things with her which concerns me as I know you should not rely on someone else to generate happiness for you.
I want to able to talk to any girl in any situation and feel comfortable and natural doing it. I want to do this so I have a choice of girls and if I want a relationship with one then I can have it. My friends all seem to be able to find nice girls and have good relationships with ease. I would like a relationship with a nice girl I get along with its something which appeals to me now.
On a positive note despite having low motivation I have managed to force myself to get back into the gym and back on to a decent diet. In the last year I was weighing nearly 200 pounds. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was sitting about eating junk food on a daily basis doing no exercise but over the last 8 weeks I have managed to snap myself into the gym again and watching my diet. I am currently sitting at 187 and my goal is to get to 173 whilst still lifting weights.
I came on here again last week with a view to starting the AA program. I done the anxiety test that Chris had posted. The one with 20 scenarios such as wearing sunglasses indoors and how many of the 20 could you do just now. My result was that I may have some sort of anxiety and should probably speak with a DR before starting. I decided then that I am going to force myself to go to DR and tell him/her everything from this post and let them diagnose me. I have been telling myself that I am not depressed and I need to snap out of it. I am just being lazy etc. I have been reluctant to say I am depressed as I feel that it is thrown about to easily these days but nothing is changing in my life and I can't take action to get to where I want to be.
Every year at certain points be it Christmas or my birthday I say to myself that this time next year things will be different. I will have money and going out with girls like my friends do but nothing changes. I don't make progress. I feel I need to speak to someone. I could not go to family or friends about how I am feeling. They would be shocked as I can put a brave face on and mask my feelings really well. I feel bad and angry with myself for feeling like this as on the outside I do have things going for me. Home, friends, car, good looks etc and I know many people would swap places with me but something is not right with me.
I have made this post so I am accountable. I will go to DR and I will post here my results and action plan to get to where I want to be. Any advice or feedback from anyone would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Got a few things that are affecting me just now and have been for probably the last 4-5 years. I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting these last couple of weeks and I have decided it's time to take action and address what I think is holding me back from achieving my potential and start living a proper life.
This will probably be a fairly long post, I have taken notes in my phone over the last week regarding things that have came to mind when I have been feeling down. Everything I am laying out in this post is brutally honest. This is my history and my thoughts just now. No exaggerations.
I will be 32 next week. I have recently started up two businesses, one online e-commerce store and the other is with two friends as business partners in the legal environment. I live by myself in an apartment which I own (mortgage) and I drive a very nice car. I have always considered myself stylish and good looking. I have fucked approximately 100-150 different girls.
Now that last sentence may be a bit difficult to believe as you read on further but as I said in first paragraph everything I am saying is the truth. I am on here looking just to talk to like minded people. I am not playing the victim card and I am not looking for any sympathy. I take full responsibility for everything that has happened to me in my life and the position I am in just now.
The reason for me writing this post and introducing myself here is that I want to take action and improve my life. The last five years I have not been myself. I have just being going through the motions with life in general, not having any goals. I have struggled financially over these years living paycheck to paycheck.
Right now I am pretty certain that I am suffering from some sort of depression. I am almost constantly feeling hopeless & severely unmotivated. I am unable to get excited or look forward to anything. As I said above I have two great business opportunities which I think can be successful. Instead of feeling highly motivated and driven to make it work and channel all my energy into these I instead struggle to get out of bed in the morning and procrastinate on doing much of anything. I am sleeping on average 11 hours per day. I have used a sleep tracker to monitor this.
I go to bed around 11.30 each night and set my alarm for 6.00am. I have put a loud alarm clock in my living room so I have to get out of bed and walk to turn it off. This hasn't worked. I just pull the plug and go back to bed and wake up around 10.30am. This has been going on best part of six months. I have tried to make arrangements first thing in morning with people such as gym so I am answerable but I end up just going back to sleep and putting phone on silent to avoid phone calls. This is getting me down as I feel I should be springing up out of bed hungry and going after success with these new business opportunities, instead I open my eyes and feel dread about getting up and going about my day to day tasks and try to sleep for as long as possible. Some times it feels like sleeping is an escape which really concerns me.
My first business is an e-commerce store I am in the process of opening. I worked on this for about a month, got the website designed added some products then just stopped working on it. I have not touched it now for a month. As I type this I don't really know why, I guess in my head the excuses I am making is that I have gotten sidetracked with the other business but that ain't really true as if I was able to get up out of bed when I wanted too I would have more than enough time to work on them both. The second business should be a bit different because I have two business partners so I will be able to force myself to put enough work in to stop them calling me out.
Despite feeling down on just about everything I am confident that this business will be a success and give me the good lifestyle that I have crave. One of the business partners is a successful solicitor who has never failed at anything business wise in the past. He runs his own successful practice and is very good at his job.
Over the last few years I managed to get myself into quite a bit of debt. All my income from my job was going towards bills and I had next to nothing left. This meant my social life took a big hit as I wasn't able to go out drinking with my buddies and going clubbing and getting girls. I kinda got stuck in a rut with this. I finally took the hit and moved back in with my parents for 18 months and rented my apartment out and got rid of some of my debt. I was spending a lot of weekends at home eating junk food when I should have been out with my friends at the club because I had no spare money. This used to make me feel resentful. I really want to improve my social life and get out at the weekend. This is why I should be extremely motivated to make my businesses work.
Regarding girls. Nearly all of my lays have been one night stands. I have always had girls liking me. I do consider myself quite good looking and I always had girls taking an interest in me. I also used to DJ in clubs in my area so would get a lot of girls approaching me and striking up conversations with me. I have always been fairly shy with girls and I know that may sound surprising due to my lay count. My lay count is so high mostly because when I was in my early 20s I was around the dance scene being a DJ and I was doing a lot of X which completely disintegrated my AA and inhibitions. I got laid a lot round about this time. A lot of my lays were unattractive girls 5-6s who I only fucked because I was horny and I knew they would be easy pickings because I was better looking than them. I do have AA and I get intimidated by hotter girls and don't take a chance on them as I am scared of being rejected and embarrassed. I have fucked a few hotter girls of course but that has always came with them approaching me or making interests known through friends etc. I don't think I have ever done one successful cold approach on a hot girl!
I have only had any real feelings for four girls. When I say feelings I mean being open to a relationship with them. One of these four was my girlfriend with I was 18-20 but I wanted the relationship to end as I was cheating on her all the time. This was a wild period in my life with drugs and partying and I didn't want a GF our relationship fizzled out due to my behavior. The other three girls dumped me when we were starting to get close. It's possible that I became needy when I laid my feelings out for them. One of those was 15 months ago which still affects me to this day. She dumped me for another guy which I did not see coming as she seemed head over heels with me then when I put my feelings on the table after four months she dumped me within a week for someone else.
I want to have girls in my life,this is something I need to improve on. I am feeling really lonely just now and I really enjoyed the closeness I had with the girl last year. I had not felt that in a while and we seemed to get on really well. When she dumped me it affected me much more than I could have anticipated. I usually get over it within a month when it happened before but I still feel pain to this day about that one. The last time I felt any excitement was when I was with her and doing things with her which concerns me as I know you should not rely on someone else to generate happiness for you.
I want to able to talk to any girl in any situation and feel comfortable and natural doing it. I want to do this so I have a choice of girls and if I want a relationship with one then I can have it. My friends all seem to be able to find nice girls and have good relationships with ease. I would like a relationship with a nice girl I get along with its something which appeals to me now.
On a positive note despite having low motivation I have managed to force myself to get back into the gym and back on to a decent diet. In the last year I was weighing nearly 200 pounds. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was sitting about eating junk food on a daily basis doing no exercise but over the last 8 weeks I have managed to snap myself into the gym again and watching my diet. I am currently sitting at 187 and my goal is to get to 173 whilst still lifting weights.
I came on here again last week with a view to starting the AA program. I done the anxiety test that Chris had posted. The one with 20 scenarios such as wearing sunglasses indoors and how many of the 20 could you do just now. My result was that I may have some sort of anxiety and should probably speak with a DR before starting. I decided then that I am going to force myself to go to DR and tell him/her everything from this post and let them diagnose me. I have been telling myself that I am not depressed and I need to snap out of it. I am just being lazy etc. I have been reluctant to say I am depressed as I feel that it is thrown about to easily these days but nothing is changing in my life and I can't take action to get to where I want to be.
Every year at certain points be it Christmas or my birthday I say to myself that this time next year things will be different. I will have money and going out with girls like my friends do but nothing changes. I don't make progress. I feel I need to speak to someone. I could not go to family or friends about how I am feeling. They would be shocked as I can put a brave face on and mask my feelings really well. I feel bad and angry with myself for feeling like this as on the outside I do have things going for me. Home, friends, car, good looks etc and I know many people would swap places with me but something is not right with me.
I have made this post so I am accountable. I will go to DR and I will post here my results and action plan to get to where I want to be. Any advice or feedback from anyone would be appreciated. Thanks for reading.