Alright so this is going to be a wall of text but I really feel like pouring it all out. I've been a lurker but I never really took action and I feel like writing all this. I'll leave some details out cause some guys I know might lurk this forum as I shown it to them and I don't want to be identified, I feel quite vulnerable writing all this, it's the first time I'm revealing some of these things to anyone, but you'll definitely get the picture.
So a 23 year old guy from Europe here. Yep, a virgin. Why? That is a good question.
I'm not saying this is a hard rule but I observed that in general 20-something virgins are ones for a reason - social anxiety, depression, obesity/extremely bad looks or not having their life in order in a different way. Me, I'm no of these things. In highschool I very fast became one of the cool guys of my year and eventually the school. By the senior year I was that guy who everyone with a party life knew. So how the fuck can you not get laid being the cool guy in highschool? I honestly don't know how to answer this. It just didn't happen. I was a late bloomer - I think I hit puberty as the very last among everyone. So my best guess is I hit it mentally even later - for all my highschool I honestly didn't think about girls at all. All I cared about was playing video games and/or getting wasted once I discovered the sweet taste of alcohol - I did go out a lot, now looking at it a lot of girls would give me the signs, but as I said my sorry ass just didn't care. It finally hit me somewhere in my senior year but it was too late at this point - the girls were taken and I was estabilished as a friend to all of them, it would be weird to make a move. But hey, no worries, I go to university, there's drinking and fucking all the time there, right? Nope.
I went for a very technical uni, I was always a natural with this stuff and there's an abundance of good paying jobs. But a lot of people would tell me there are like no girls there. I thought, meh, they gotta be exaggerating. Guess what? They weren't. My year had a staggering amount of 6 girls, all either taken or utterly unfuckable no matter how much would I lower my standards. And in case anybody is wondering, in here universities aren't like in the US - there are no frats and this whole campus partying social hierarchy thing, it's more like a just another school, except people kinda separate into smaller social groups, the whole year doesn't integrate as much as in highschool. So since day one the social circle prospects were a complete zero. My social circle from the highschool isn't any better - even though I love these guys they are all either in relationships for years now or completely uninterested in getting laid, they just want to get drunk weekend after weekend. I can't say I don't enjoy this but my priorities are now becoming different. And there's absolutely no rotation of people/girls in the circle, same ol' faces every weekend. So no lays throughout the whole uni. And things remained like this up to this day.
So where am I now? I'll be on my final year on uni, I'm already working in my field. My current and first job doesn't pay a lot, but I'm gaining experience and sometime this year I hope to change jobs with having a better resume, then I'll be earning significantly more and probably will be able to move away from my parents (here very many people stay with them until they get married but that's not what I want). So everything in my life is heading in a good direction. Yet I just can't be truly happy. Zero intimacy in my life has been bugging me but I thought it will somehow happen eventually, yet it didn't. I tried to block it out in a variety of ways - telling myself I don't need this, it's better to stay safe from STDs and having an accidental child, women are evil and cheating, basically every excuse you could think of... but it won't work. It's really nearly impossible to shut off your natural hardwiring to want sex. And since some time now it's just intolerable - each day I wake up I can't stand being such a loser. So that's why I'm writing all this.
So what's stopping me from getting laid now?
My #1 problem is definitely approach anxiety - or as I should call it in my case, approach panic. I definitely don't think I've got any social anxiety - I don't feel any discomfort in crowded places or nightclubs. If there's a concert nobody of my friends wants to go to (and being a hardcore fan, that happens a lot), I've got no problem going there alone and finding someone to have a beer with on the spot. But trying to approach girls I find attractive? It's pure tragedy - I just can't do it in even the most indirect of ways. I feel like everyone learned the ropes of how to interact with girls in HS and I just missed it. Like a bird that was never thrown out of the nest to learn how to fly. They are like different species for me. I've had girls eyefuck me or even approach first but in these cases my body goes in full fucking panic mode, I eject myself as fast as possible before I can help it. I can't hold eye contact, I can't even ask a girl for time - I tried attempting the AA program but couldn't even do that. Additionally I just think too much - I have a brain that is on 120% all the time, analyzing everything 10 steps ahead. While it's the best possible trait for my job, it makes talking with people even worse - I constantly think about the outcome, I can't just be in the moment. Only being drunk remedies it, but then I'm usually too wasted to hold a half-intelligent conversation.
The #2 problem is insecurity over my height - I'm just 5'5 and while I pretty much never think anything of it during my daily activities, I think this is the thing that stopped me from trying online dating yet. My head just keeps playing scenarios when they ask how tall I am and then stop answering or worse, her assuming I'm of decent height and then going "I thought you were taller" when we actually meet and this completely killing what's left of my confidence.
#3 is me living with parents. I truly love them but they are religious and very traditional ("love is the most important thing of them all", "why do you want to move out if you're not getting married?" - my pops' words), they probably expect me to have a wife and children by 30 - they would definitely not be happy about me bringing girls for sex without being in a deep relationship with them. It doesn't help that they have their own business so they are home 90% of the time and the walls are paper thin - so aside from a few tiny windows when they are not home my house is a no-go. As I already mentioned this one may hopefully change in the following months and anyway it's not my biggest worry right now when I don't even talk to any girl.
About my looks - I'm 5'5, average body with a bit of fat. I'm not visibly overweight in clothes, but I do have a bit of a belly. I estimate somewhere around 18-22% bodyfat. Since a few weeks now I lift and diet hard (is this a good approach? I saw the fat loss diet here but should I do it cardio only having no muscle mass?) and my weight is going down - if I can keep it up I should be looking good in a few months. I definitely have above-average style. I can't rate my face, but from everything I read here if I were ugly I wouldn't get approached first as happened a few times, so I figure I must be at least somewhat attractive but a fucked up mind bars me from any success.
Since you guys here preach setting goals I guess mine are:
#1 - lose my v-card
#2 - get a new job and move out
#3 - get down to 10-12% BF, then probably bulk
These are the vital ones for now.
Finally, what ultimately pushed me to write this - today, the #1 blockade I described happened again - when I was in bus going home from work a like 6.5/10 girl was noticeably peeking and faintly smiling at me. All I had to do was say fucking hi to get a shot. But me being me of course the anxiety kicked in and I did my best to avoid her. Then when I left I wanted to break my own face for being such a bitch. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS or I'll be suffering forever.
I chose GLL because every regular poster seems to be really legit as opposed to other ones filled with keyboards jockeys that even I can notice they don't get laid. Every one of you is so inspiring. Particularly Thebastardfromglasgow for also being short and completely relentless in approaching and going crazy with his lays for some time now and Terminator for fighting every setback in his life. I really feel this is the only place that can help me, as I already told you my friends and family won't help me in this regard. So I really hope for a motivational kick in the ass from you guys.
Cheers!
So a 23 year old guy from Europe here. Yep, a virgin. Why? That is a good question.
I'm not saying this is a hard rule but I observed that in general 20-something virgins are ones for a reason - social anxiety, depression, obesity/extremely bad looks or not having their life in order in a different way. Me, I'm no of these things. In highschool I very fast became one of the cool guys of my year and eventually the school. By the senior year I was that guy who everyone with a party life knew. So how the fuck can you not get laid being the cool guy in highschool? I honestly don't know how to answer this. It just didn't happen. I was a late bloomer - I think I hit puberty as the very last among everyone. So my best guess is I hit it mentally even later - for all my highschool I honestly didn't think about girls at all. All I cared about was playing video games and/or getting wasted once I discovered the sweet taste of alcohol - I did go out a lot, now looking at it a lot of girls would give me the signs, but as I said my sorry ass just didn't care. It finally hit me somewhere in my senior year but it was too late at this point - the girls were taken and I was estabilished as a friend to all of them, it would be weird to make a move. But hey, no worries, I go to university, there's drinking and fucking all the time there, right? Nope.
I went for a very technical uni, I was always a natural with this stuff and there's an abundance of good paying jobs. But a lot of people would tell me there are like no girls there. I thought, meh, they gotta be exaggerating. Guess what? They weren't. My year had a staggering amount of 6 girls, all either taken or utterly unfuckable no matter how much would I lower my standards. And in case anybody is wondering, in here universities aren't like in the US - there are no frats and this whole campus partying social hierarchy thing, it's more like a just another school, except people kinda separate into smaller social groups, the whole year doesn't integrate as much as in highschool. So since day one the social circle prospects were a complete zero. My social circle from the highschool isn't any better - even though I love these guys they are all either in relationships for years now or completely uninterested in getting laid, they just want to get drunk weekend after weekend. I can't say I don't enjoy this but my priorities are now becoming different. And there's absolutely no rotation of people/girls in the circle, same ol' faces every weekend. So no lays throughout the whole uni. And things remained like this up to this day.
So where am I now? I'll be on my final year on uni, I'm already working in my field. My current and first job doesn't pay a lot, but I'm gaining experience and sometime this year I hope to change jobs with having a better resume, then I'll be earning significantly more and probably will be able to move away from my parents (here very many people stay with them until they get married but that's not what I want). So everything in my life is heading in a good direction. Yet I just can't be truly happy. Zero intimacy in my life has been bugging me but I thought it will somehow happen eventually, yet it didn't. I tried to block it out in a variety of ways - telling myself I don't need this, it's better to stay safe from STDs and having an accidental child, women are evil and cheating, basically every excuse you could think of... but it won't work. It's really nearly impossible to shut off your natural hardwiring to want sex. And since some time now it's just intolerable - each day I wake up I can't stand being such a loser. So that's why I'm writing all this.
So what's stopping me from getting laid now?
My #1 problem is definitely approach anxiety - or as I should call it in my case, approach panic. I definitely don't think I've got any social anxiety - I don't feel any discomfort in crowded places or nightclubs. If there's a concert nobody of my friends wants to go to (and being a hardcore fan, that happens a lot), I've got no problem going there alone and finding someone to have a beer with on the spot. But trying to approach girls I find attractive? It's pure tragedy - I just can't do it in even the most indirect of ways. I feel like everyone learned the ropes of how to interact with girls in HS and I just missed it. Like a bird that was never thrown out of the nest to learn how to fly. They are like different species for me. I've had girls eyefuck me or even approach first but in these cases my body goes in full fucking panic mode, I eject myself as fast as possible before I can help it. I can't hold eye contact, I can't even ask a girl for time - I tried attempting the AA program but couldn't even do that. Additionally I just think too much - I have a brain that is on 120% all the time, analyzing everything 10 steps ahead. While it's the best possible trait for my job, it makes talking with people even worse - I constantly think about the outcome, I can't just be in the moment. Only being drunk remedies it, but then I'm usually too wasted to hold a half-intelligent conversation.
The #2 problem is insecurity over my height - I'm just 5'5 and while I pretty much never think anything of it during my daily activities, I think this is the thing that stopped me from trying online dating yet. My head just keeps playing scenarios when they ask how tall I am and then stop answering or worse, her assuming I'm of decent height and then going "I thought you were taller" when we actually meet and this completely killing what's left of my confidence.
#3 is me living with parents. I truly love them but they are religious and very traditional ("love is the most important thing of them all", "why do you want to move out if you're not getting married?" - my pops' words), they probably expect me to have a wife and children by 30 - they would definitely not be happy about me bringing girls for sex without being in a deep relationship with them. It doesn't help that they have their own business so they are home 90% of the time and the walls are paper thin - so aside from a few tiny windows when they are not home my house is a no-go. As I already mentioned this one may hopefully change in the following months and anyway it's not my biggest worry right now when I don't even talk to any girl.
About my looks - I'm 5'5, average body with a bit of fat. I'm not visibly overweight in clothes, but I do have a bit of a belly. I estimate somewhere around 18-22% bodyfat. Since a few weeks now I lift and diet hard (is this a good approach? I saw the fat loss diet here but should I do it cardio only having no muscle mass?) and my weight is going down - if I can keep it up I should be looking good in a few months. I definitely have above-average style. I can't rate my face, but from everything I read here if I were ugly I wouldn't get approached first as happened a few times, so I figure I must be at least somewhat attractive but a fucked up mind bars me from any success.
Since you guys here preach setting goals I guess mine are:
#1 - lose my v-card
#2 - get a new job and move out
#3 - get down to 10-12% BF, then probably bulk
These are the vital ones for now.
Finally, what ultimately pushed me to write this - today, the #1 blockade I described happened again - when I was in bus going home from work a like 6.5/10 girl was noticeably peeking and faintly smiling at me. All I had to do was say fucking hi to get a shot. But me being me of course the anxiety kicked in and I did my best to avoid her. Then when I left I wanted to break my own face for being such a bitch. THIS CANNOT CONTINUE LIKE THIS or I'll be suffering forever.
I chose GLL because every regular poster seems to be really legit as opposed to other ones filled with keyboards jockeys that even I can notice they don't get laid. Every one of you is so inspiring. Particularly Thebastardfromglasgow for also being short and completely relentless in approaching and going crazy with his lays for some time now and Terminator for fighting every setback in his life. I really feel this is the only place that can help me, as I already told you my friends and family won't help me in this regard. So I really hope for a motivational kick in the ass from you guys.
Cheers!